Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What To Do About Pesky Arch-Enemies

Yes... the question always hangs in the air...

"What do I do about my arch-enemy?"

You can sit back and wait for them to make the first move... wait for them to make the first mistake. But what if they're doing the same thing? Any self-respecting arch-enemy would not only be planning the next step, they'd be thinking TEN steps ahead.

And I'm sure that MY arch-enemy, Jim, is doing exactly that. After careful consideration, here's what I think he's doing:

1) Tapping my phone line. Although technically, this shouldn't count, because I'm sure he did that years ago already.

2) Stealing my credit card information. This is most insidious because he wouldn't use that information just yet. He'd save it for when it would be of most benefit to himself, and most damaging to me. (Must make mental note to change credit cards later tonight.)

3) Secretly swiping some of my DNA. Again, I'm sure he's done this at least once already, but with the decay of DNA samples, and the concurrent advancement of DNA marker identification, I'm sure he'll be needing fresh samples. Must think-- has anyone scraped skin off of my arm in passing? Did I feel a sharp sting recently and not know where it came from? Oh no... I just had my hair cut this morning and forgot to demand they give me the hair clippings. Those bits of snipped hair could even now be en route to Jim.

4) Sending inappropriate emails to my child. He hasn't done this yet, but I'm sure it's one of his next steps. I'm sure he's searching through his massive amounts of porn to find just the right clips and photos that will be most damaging to my child's psyche and emotional development. I can only pray that he doesn't send any of himself.

5) Updating his yarn and push-pin map of my comings and goings. I've been lax in covering my tracks of late. The map is probably far more accurate than I'm comfortable with.

6) Securing getaway car. Again, this is basic stuff, but there is no better time than now to do a thorough sweep of everything to make sure it's all still working properly.

7) Re-establishing aliases. Restrictions are a bit tighter now, so you have to be a bit more diligent about keeping your aliases up-to-date. The last thing you'd want to do is check into a hotel under an assumed name and discover that there is no longer any record of your alias's existence.

8) Introducing subtle poison into my water system. Not enough to kill me or my family, but enough to dull my wits when I need them most. Must remember to replace filters on all faucets.

9) Buying more heavy-duty garbage bags. Of course, depending on Jim's recent activity level, he may still have plenty on tap.

10) And finally, it goes without saying that he's befriending my friends. There's no more insidious way to destroy someone than from within, through those closest to him. (Must make a mental note to test my friends' loyalty and attempt to gauge Jim's currently level of influence.)

With all of this in mind, what must *I* do?

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